These Are the 8 Types of Drunk, According to the Elizabethans
Brb, getting Swine Drunk and ordering myself some nachos
Skip to the end (or click here) for a puzzle I’ve made you. My crash course on how to do cryptic puzzles begins here.
In 1592, the playwright and satirist Thomas Nashe wrote a pamphlet called “Pierce Penniless: His Supplication to the Devil” in which a broke student asks the devil for money in exchange for news about the seven deadly sins in London. The massively popular pamphlet served as an alternative to a play during a time when theaters were closed due to the plague, which kind of makes Nashe the Bo Burnham of the 1590s, dropping a wild and funny “pandemic album” to entertain a beleaguered public during a crisis. “Pierce Penniless” is a legitimately wacky affair, full of weird digressions and inventions, but it’s most famous nowadays for a short section that Nashe devotes to a BuzzFeed-style list of all the different types of drunk you can be.
For the most part, Nashe’s eight major kinds of drunkard are still thriving today. Here’s his list, along with some helpful tips about what you can do if you run into one.
1. Ape Drunk
The first is ape drunke; and he leapes, and singes, and hollowes, and danceth for the heavens;
An Ape Drunk is harmless and probably even a net benefit at your party, but under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should they be allowed to gain control of the playlist. We’ve all heard the ominous warnings that the Vengabus is coming—but nobody is prepared for what’s going to happen when it finally arrives.
2. Lion Drunk
The second is lion drunke; and he flings the pots about the house, calls his hostesse whore, breakes the glasse windowes with his dagger, and is apt to quarrell with anie man that speaks to him;
Lion Drunks are obviously bad, and the best thing to do if you encounter one is to seat them outside of dagger’s reach from the window, make sure all your pots are well hidden, and tell them you’ve run out of Red Bull and Vodka, unfortunately.
3. Swine Drunk
The third is swine drunke; heavie, lumpish, and sleepie, and cries for a little more drinke, and a fewe more cloathes;
“Netflix and Chill” has been over for close to a decade now, but “Swine Drunk and watch Great British Bake-Off” is a proud and honorable tradition that will hopefully never die.
4. Sheep Drunk
The fourth is sheepe drunk; wise in his conceipt, when he cannot bring foorth a right word;
Getting Sheep Drunk is a young person’s game, but it can be quite useful at office Holiday parties and during certain family gatherings.
5. Maudlin Drunk
The fifth is mawdlen drunke; when a fellowe will weepe for kindnes in the midst of ale, and kisse you, saying, ‘By God, captaine, I love thee. Goe thy wayes; thou dost not thinke so often of me as I doo thee; I would (if it pleased God) I could not love thee as well as I doo;’ and then he puts his finger in his eye, and cryes;
Everybody likes to be called “Captain” once in a while, but the best thing you can do with a Maudlin Drunk is introduce them to a Sheep Drunk and slowly back away.
6. Martin Drunk
The sixth is Martin drunke; when a man is drunke, and drinkes himselfe sober ere he stirre;
I can’t say I’m familiar with a Martin Drunk, but I am genuinely impressed to learn that the Elizabethans went so hard that they hit some kind of drinking Event Horizon. Doubly impressive when you’re doing it in frills and a doublet.
7. Goat Drunk
The seventh is goate drunke; when, in his drunkennes, he hath no minde but on lecherie;
Goat Drunks have been plaguing us as long as people have been getting drunk, and nowadays we deal with them the same way folks presumably did in Thomas Nashe’s time: Give them a fake phone number and tell them to text you after the party.
8. Fox Drunk
The eighth is fox drunke – when he is craftie drunke, as manie of the Dutchmen bee, that will never bargaine but when they are drunke.
Not entirely certain that “Fox Drunk” is a thing anymore—unless it’s something that only happens in The Netherlands—but I’m pretty sure the modern version of this involves waking up to discover you’ve bought, like, three novelty sweaters and a smoothie-maker on Amazon.
I have made you a puzzle. The puzzle image is below if you want to print it out like our forebears used to, but you can also fill it in with a click!
